Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[RLN]

[Wedgy]

MAN & WIFE


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[Mackrick]

Your risking t Wedgy. Is that a thwacking I hear in the distance.

[Nickolas]

There is an inbound slap with 'Wedgy' stamped all over it................

[RLN]

WEll done, Wedgy. Women just don't have a sense of humour.

[MadNaddy]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he
was
there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter,"said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell,
the armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd
had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,.... ..."but his face
rings a bell"

WAIT! WAIT! There's more........ .....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said , "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as
his
brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled
around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

Wait for it - it's worth it

"BUT HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!"

[Saracenman]

<groan>

[Wedgy]

[Tom.com]

they are worse than mine

[Pujgnie]

Here's one that made I larrf..

Simon goes on the TV show 'Stars In Thier Eyes' and Mathew Kelly notices he is in a wheeelchair.

'Wow.. What happened to you ? ' asked Mathew.

Simon replied.. ' I was in a car crash with my Uncle. He died - and I had both my legs amputated. They saved my Uncles legs and grafted them onto mine. In 6 months time I will be able to walk again...'

'That's amazing' says Mathew... ' So, Who are you going to be tonight ? '

Simon replys 'Tonight Mathew... I am going to be............
























Wait for it


































































'Simon and Halfuncle...........'

[Mayfly]

[Jigsaw]

[Tom.com]

What is blue and yellow?
















Green

[Mackrick]

[Wedgy]

[RLN]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?









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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.


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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.




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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,



We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


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The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?



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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



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The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.


We shall now show you the way to the sound.


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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?


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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Theman requests the key to the stone door.


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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


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>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


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The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


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. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Saracenman]

and i read all the way to the bottom too!

[Xplumberlives]

LOL!

Must have been a very loud sound to get through all those heavy doors (snigger)!

[Mayfly]

[Tom.com]

but I know the answers

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

[Xplumberlives]

but I know the answers

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

But you're NOT a MONK!!!!!!

[Tonijh]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

[Tom.com]

what is worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?




































1 baby nailed to 10 trees

[Saracenman]

blimey, i thought all the baby jokes were LONG gone!

[Tom.com]

is long ago your speciality?