Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Hungry Haggis]

Double GROAN !!! .
Time to buy a new joke book methink

[Sploosher]

Duz tha speak Yorkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


A Yorkshire man's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"



A Yorkshire man's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologizes profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason.......
"There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".


Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist
"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"



Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

[Xplumberlives]

Surely these are RACIST!

[Aceyone]

but funny

[Nickolas]

COWS , GOLF AND A WIFE A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.. Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.' We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf b all with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's' butt.' Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' 'I don't remember much after that...'

[Nickolas]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

[Xplumberlives]

Boom boom!

[Nickolas]

(You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!! )

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0, after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He launched an investigation, and after some work, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.

[Xplumberlives]

Very good, i've heard similar before and they are extremely believable!

[Aceyone]

Excellent

[RLN]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"


A drunk staggers down the street with his car keys in his hand, staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally stopped by a policeman who asks "What's the problem, buddy?". The drunk replies "Someone stole my car! *hic*".
"Where did you last see it?". "It was right here on the end of my car key ..." the drunk says. Sensing a pointless conversation about to start, the policeman suggests that the drunk just catch a taxi and go home. Turning to leave, he pauses and mentions to the drunk "Did you happen to notice your fly is open?". Looking down at his fly, the drunk exclaims "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


Two Aussies, Bruce & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Ken's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.
All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling".
"It's alright for you", Ken replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."


Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.


A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?". The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"

[Xplumberlives]

Thank you Martyn, very chucklesome, I do hope Sploosher reads these and realises what jokes are!

[Nickolas]

Wife by text to husband at work:

"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"














































Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

[Mayfly]

The Understanding Husband.....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and
there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is Kevin. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for her to get a
full time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for
the health insurance benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is costly and not reasonable and I'm ready for some home cooked
grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and,
as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrated women get, as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
this was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely,
*
*Kevin

*

EDITOR'S NOTE**:
**Kevin died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and
a sledge hammer laying nearby.**
*
*His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all woman jury took
only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Kevin
somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club**

[Nickolas]

...and your point is??????????

[Mayfly]

Oh the satisfaction of finding new home for golf clubs

[Hungry Haggis]

...and your point is??????????

Get the golf club removed and Help you lazy GIT.

[Sploosher]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...YOU DEAF Barsteward


"BRING ME A POSSE"

[Tom.com]

A young lad is starting his first day at his new job as a salesman in a huge department store.
His manager says to him "It's your first day, take it easy and we'll catch up at the end of the day".

8 hours later, the two of them sit down and the manager says "Well, how did you do?"
The lad sits up and says, "I made 1 sale"

The manager replies "1! Is that it? Most salesmen here make 30 sales a day! What happened?"

The lad says "Well this guy came in and I sold him a fishing hook. While he was here I asked if he had a good fishing rod, he said no, so I sold him our best one!"

The manager replied "Well then what?"

The lad goes on; "Well I asked whether he fishes from the land or a boat and he said a boat, so I sold him a brand new top of the range fishing boat."

The manager slightly confused says "Is that it?"

The lad replies, "No, I asked him if he had the facilities to transport the boat. He said no, so I sold him a brand new car to pull the boat and a trailer to tow the boat on."

The manager is astounded and says, "What, you sold him all that and he only came in for a fishing hook?"

"No, no!" the lad replies "He came in to get tampons for his girlfriend and I said, 'well that's your weekend ruined, why not go fishing?'"

[Nickolas]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself
at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and
enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you
had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where
she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his
bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much
since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[Aceyone]

[Jigsaw]

[Jigsaw]

[Aceyone]

[Jigsaw]