Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Xplumberlives]

SUBTLE as a BRICK!

[Nickolas]

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian

government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents

(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System

facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:





National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada





Dear Concerned Citizen,



Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by

Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan

Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in

Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.



Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions

were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to

learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are

creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,

to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or

L.A.R.K. for short.



In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided

to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for

transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto

next Monday.



Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be

cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in

your letter of complaint!



It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of

care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended

in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,

we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his

'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural

differences.


We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home

schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in

hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a

pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your

next yoga group. Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or

relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but

we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a

wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so

you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)

this might offend him.


Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or

your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman

form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his

sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known

to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the

new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka

over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his

culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.



Thanks again for your concern.

We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the

proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.



Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,



Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

[Xplumberlives]

I rather like that story!

[Nickolas]

yes it should be adapted and aired more often, don't you think. Might shut a few do gooders up.

[Xplumberlives]

Indeed!

[Aceyone]

Many a true word ---

[Jigsaw]

Superb

[Nickolas]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese ?' asks the copilot, 'why not ?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why !'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike !'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg !'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all same !!'

[Xplumberlives]

Boom boom!

[Aceyone]

me likey

[Jigsaw]

Vely good

[Hula-Hoop]

All those people who are against homosexuals and say in Genesis it was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve are so narrow minded.


Every one knows in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks!

[Aceyone]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!



One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,

she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked,

'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'























He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

[Sploosher]

Adam and Eve were sitting under an apple tree in the garden of Eden when Eve turned to Adam and asked.

"Adam.........are we black or white?"

Adam replied, " I dont know, I will go up the mountain and ask the all mighty one", so off he trots and comes back 7 days later

Eve asked Adam on his return "Well, what did the almight one say"

Adam replied "You are what you are, which makes you white".

Eve asked "How did the almighty one explain that then?"

Adam replied" Because if we were Black he would have said , you is what you is"............

[Nickolas]

[RLN]

[Aceyone]

[Nickolas]

*Knickers *

Some b*stard has just stolen a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line. She says that she's not bothered about the knickers, she just wants the 22 pegs back!

[Dan4th]

If Roz sees this, Nick, you are in
DEEP S**T!!!!!!!!!!!!



Danf

[Aceyone]

One of my nieces sent me this





sorry ,still cannot embed

[RLN]

Good old Boris. My favourite upper class twit.

[Mayfly]

Boris is brilliant

The guy showing us in to the car park of Beamish was his double with his mop of blonde hair.

[Mayfly]

Husband to wife

"My Olympic condoms have arrived from E-Bay and
.... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says,

"Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

[RLN]

[Jigsaw]