Jokes (WARNING - may contain adult humour!)...

[Mackrick]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

[Mayfly]

Pammy!

Why don't you tell them my "Ancient Chinese Proverb"?

I DARE You!

Dan4th

I probably would if I could remember it

I'm rubbish with jokes

[Dan4th]

Okay, well Pam's not gonna do it so...........

Ancient Chinese Proverb:

Woman who fly Upside-down have Crackup!

Just leaving........

Dan4th

[RLN]

Brilliant

[Mayfly]

that was it couldn't remember it - thats 2 weeks in your room Dan4th with no TV

[RLN]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the
conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save
some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please."

[Mayfly]

[Saracenman]

[Tom.com]

heard it before still funny

[Mackrick]

long time since I heard that one but very good

[Mayfly]

Christian Ronaldo has written off his 2 day old Ferrari.........

evidentally he rolled around on the floor for 10 minutes before & realsied he wasn't hurt & has complained to the police the wall he hit wasn't a full 10yds away

[Mackrick]

[RLN]

[Dan4th]

What do you get if you toss a 7-footer
Steinway Grand down a mineshaft?

A-Flat Miner.

Yes, I know, I know..........

Dan4th

[RLN]

Did that come out of a Christmas cracker?

[Dan4th]

No, actually it came from my son's piano
teacher many years ago....

Nuther Musical "Joke" (...same source)...

Why Couldn't Mozart Find His Teacher????????

....cuz he was Haydn.

And with THAT!

Dan4th

[Dawnie]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend,
decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about
four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he
has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did
you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the
island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row
boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I
made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south
side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock
is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it
melted into ductile iron I used that for tools and used the tools to
make the hardware..'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him
is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's
not much but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not
coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have
exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor
in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man
goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece
of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its
end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of
gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[RLN]

[Mackrick]

[Tom.com]

[Saracenman]

[Spitfire]

A Welsh sheep farmer had decided to move his whole business to New Zealand and chartered a ship to take his flock to the other side of the world.

On the journey the ship ran into a huge storm and it turned turtle and sank.

The man found himself thrown from the ships wreckage and he was all alone in the water – suddenly he heard a dog’s bark and looking towards the noise he saw his faithful sheepdog frantically struggling to save a single surviving sheep.

The man swam over to them and managed to get all 3 of them onto a piece of floating wreckage.

They drifted for days but finally they were washed up on a small deserted tropical island.

The man decided they had better make the best of their predicament and built a small shelter for himself and his faithful dog and next to it a small pen for the one remaining sheep.

The three of them muddled along but soon developed a habit, in their loneliness, of going down to the sea shore at dusk and sitting together side by side watching the sun go down over the horizon.

This went on for weeks, until one evening the man felt ‘urges’ welling up within himself and whilst they were all sitting at the sea’s edge he began to glance at the sheep – and then found himself sidling towards it.

Suddenly the dog began growling, looking to protect his sole remaining charge the single sheep. The man sat upright straight away and they continued watching the sun set together.

This went on for several days – the man would sidle towards the sheep every evening looking to satisfy his urges and the dog growled and the status quo was resumed.

Then one fateful day they witnessed another huge storm similar to the one that had stranded them there, and the following morning when all was calm they saw on the beach a beautiful blonde young woman lying exhausted after swimming ashore from another ship that had foundered. She too was the only survivor.

The man tended to her minor injuries and looked after her until she was finally fit and well – she had seen their evening ritual and was keen to join them and when she was strong enough she went down to the seashore with the man the dog and the sheep to watch the sunset.

When the sun was going down the man’s familiar urges returned, now stronger than ever. Finally he plucked up courage and sidled up to the beautiful woman leaning closely towards her long flowing blonde hair and whispered into her ear…..

‘Now you’re strong enough and as I’ve spent so long looking after you do you think you could do me a really big favour to help me satisfy my natural urges?’ .......‘Yes’ she whispers back ……

’Good’ says the man…..…’take the dog for a walk’

[Mayfly]

[Mackrick]

[Tom.com]

lol