Tales from the RAF

[Canberra Man]

I was showing a new erk round the Lincoln on a what to do and not to do basis. It was a cold day and the NAAFI wagon had just been, so we took sarnies and coffee up into the nose out of the wind and I carried on my chat. On finishing our break, we tidied up and before I could stop the newbie, he threw his coffee dregs down what looked like a drain in the floor. It wasn't a drain, oh no, far worse, I held my breath and there was a bang and a thud and a ten man dinghy popped out of its stowage in the wing root. The look alike drain was the flotation switch in case of a ditching at sea! The lad got seven days jankers and had to pay £5 towards the cost of reinstalling the dinghy.
More to come

Ken

[Saracenman]

class!

there's a comedy sketch in that tale! thanks CM

sm

[Hihonyr8811]

Opps
I bet he had a bit of a red face

[Mayfly]

class

[Mackrick]

Now I have a few to tell as well but need to get them into some sort of order....

[Canberra Man]

A Canberra was going on a Navex and I was out front controlling things, I pointed to the port engine and thumbs up, there was a bang from the turbo starter, clouds of black smoke and No 1 settled down to idle. I pointed to starboard engine and all hell let loose. The turbo starter blew up, red hot turbine blades went through the fuselage into No 1 tank, kerosene poured out onto the still burning fragments of the cartridge and the whole lot went up. The aircrew were out in ten seconds flat, they even had their chutes with them, they had to, they would have been charged for them! By this time a phone call had gone to the fire section and their brand new Rolls Royce fire engine (Only out of the box the day before) was seen rushing round the peri track. It halted at the conflagration and an erk in gents natty asbestos suiting with big helmet on, pointed a huge hose at the fire and shouted. "Send it fru". The trouble was, noffink came fru! they had been so busy polishing their new toy they had forgotten to fill it with foam! So we were standing in a big circle warming our hands, it was a cool day! Then the wheel hubs and the cockpit coaming which are magnesium alloy went up with a bright flash, we looked the other way. Then someone muttered. "What about the ejector seats?" We backed away a few more feet and yes there was a triple explosion and three steel tubes, trailing fragments of seats shot a couple of hundred feet into the air. The next morning there was a perfect silhouette of a Canberra burnt into the tarmac with two Avons in situ. Within a few days, there were fresh faces at the fire section too.

Ken

[Saracenman]

bloodyhell CM

interested in which fire engine it was though - Alvis Salamander perchance?



?

sm

[Xplumberlives]

Whilst at RAF Swanton Morley, (a sleepy hollow in Norfolk where the RAF wrote it's technical manuals) I witnessed the arrival of a new piece of kit for the RAF Police to play with. The large crate apparently contained a new Xray machine to check mail and was to be placed within the Mail Room. Unfortunately, after being unloaded from the lorry, the rest of the move was left to the cops themselves. We occupied the Armoury and spent much of our time in the adjacent Guardroom, a perfect place to watch what happened with the new machinery.

One of the more intelligent fuzz came and borrowed a tape measure, we even offered to show him how to use it! They then carried out a very protracted measuring exercise, this took most of the day accompanied with much scratching of RAFP heads. At 16:00 the tape measure was returned to us by the most junior policeman, a little gentle questioning later we became aware that the plan was to remove the door and it's frame with the help of the Works Services Department. This was planned for early the next day.

So, replete with coffee mugs in hand we assembled outside to watch the heavy door and frame being removed to allow for the crate to be taken in.

Just as workman No1 was about to get busy, I stepped forward and asked, "How big is the Xray machine?"

"Why do you ask" said both the workman and the senior policeman in unison.

To which I replied, "Oh, I just wondered, because if you removed it from the crate, you might not need to take the door and frame off!"

Boy were they embarresed, being a small camp word got round very quickly, even reaching OC Police and even the Station Commander!

[Saracenman]

oh dear! by paragraph three, i found myself wondering "why not remove it from the crate?"

perhaps they weren't QUALIFIED to open boxes XPL?

sm

[Xplumberlives]

=))
oh dear! by paragraph three, i found myself wondering "why not remove it from the crate?"
perhaps they weren't QUALIFIED to open boxes XPL?
SM

Good job you weren't there then, you would have spoilt my fun!!!!!!!!

[Nickolas]

Oh, quality posting........
Keep 'em coming please.

[Iggie]

I love the Canberra fire; the thought of the ejector seats cooking off and everyone taking a precautionary step backwards!!! That has to be the aircraft equivalent of the obligatory loose wheel rolling away down the road after a car crash in a film.....

[Gully]

Great stuff all - keep 'em coming please!

Gully

[Canberra Man]

One of our Canberra's developed a strange fault, after about twenty minutes flying, both engines lost at least 20% power. Everthing was tried but to no avail, so Rolls Royce were contacted and duly the 'boffin' arrived. To say he became the most disliked man at Binbrook was an understatement. While the a/c was at the dispersal someone thought one of the fuel pumps in the bomb bay was noisy, would I have a look, if it was faulty, it could be changed while the a/c was u/s. I went into the hangar and saw no sign of the 'boffin', so I went to the cockpit, no warning notices, swtched the power and the suspect pump. The next moment, all hell was let loose, the air was filled with expletives, gurgles and what sounded like a circus clown on heat! Then 'it' appeared at the cockpit door, the 'boffin' soaked from head to foot in kerosene, He shouted something intelligable and squelched away, he squelched back and gurgles something like the flight sergeant wants to see you and then squelched away. With some trepidation, I approached the office door, I also noticed the 'boffin' had gone. I tapped on the door and was bade enter. I went in and as soon as the door was shut, Chiefies face split into a huge grin and told me . "Great show, when the turd gets on the starboard side, do it again. The Canberra in question was made at Shorts, Belfast. There were four on the squadron and they were the ones that gave most trouble. When the stainless steel braided rubber pipes were installed, they were pushed too far into the corners and when the a/c accelerated and climbed for height, the extra presure increased the restriction in the pipes. The new 'boffin' found the fault and cleared it very quickly.

Ken

[Xplumberlives]

Whilst engaged with a ROLE change on the 20 Sqn Harrier Line, we were taking the two 250 gallon fuel tanks off, I was leading the task and had checked that both tanks were empty. My role was to actually unlock the lock that held the tank to the pylon and then assist with placing the tank onto a stillage. The Explosive Release Unit cartridges had been removed and replaced with the blanking caps.
So I stood with my back to the wind, facing inwards to the aircraft and readied the two lads at the ends of the tank.

Just as I was to unlock the beasty, my immediate superior turned up on the other side of the tank and said, "I'll do the unlock, you give a hand at the rear of the tank." So off I went to help at the rear of the tank.

Now please note I mentioned the wind direction previously; you've guessed it, as the tank came away, the Fuel/Air valve parted and deposited about a gallon of aviation fuel all over him. He recoiled in shock and rather than shower off the fuel which burns the skin, he drove home and left me to run the rest of the shift!

[Saracenman]

to both!

sm

[Mackrick]

not the first time thats happened and won't be the last (the voice of experience) you learn real quick thats for sure....

[Xplumberlives]

=)) not the first time thats happened and won't be the last (the voice of experience) you earn real quick thats for sure....

"l"

[Mackrick]

=)) not the first time thats happened and won't be the last (the voice of experience) you earn real quick thats for sure....

"l"

Guilty my lord .... was trying to stop my l key from wearing out

[Xplumberlives]

=)) not the first time thats happened and won't be the last (the voice of experience) you earn real quick thats for sure....

"l"

Guilty my lord .... was trying to stop my l key from wearing out

By far the BEST excuse so far!

[RLN]

So XPl is trying to compete with Spitfire.

[Xplumberlives]

So XPl is trying to compete with Spitfire.

No, I bow to the MASTER PEDANT!

[Canberra Man]

Hi.
I started this some time ago and then put Windows 7 on my computer and lost all my favourites, if a gentlemanly moderator hadn't e mailed me and said "Oi were are you". I wouldn't have found the forum again, thanks mod!
Tales from the RAF.
We are in Malaya for 6 months and the Canberra's have been on a bombing mission against the terrorists. The aircraft are returning and are coming down the peri track. I turn mine in to the pan and signal to stop and open bomb doors with an armourer standing by in case of hang ups. No hang up, something worse. As the bomb doors open, a thousand pounder pushes its way through and crunches onto the tarmac and lays there glaring at us! The air crew must have wondered what was wrong with the ground crew in little groups counting their worry beads.
Then we realised it hadn't fallen far enough to arm. Panic over for the day.

Ken

[Dan4th]

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Did anyone catch some (...er) Fertilizer over that?

About 1,000 lbs worth?

Of course, NOW you can laugh about it, eh?

Danf.

[Xplumberlives]

Stick it back in for another go the next day!